A time for healing

I must first warn everyone that are pictures in this blog that may be upsetting to some, yet beautiful to others! So please keep this in mind while reading this post. I have always been so blessed to have wonderful pregnancy with my children. As many have told me, I was built to carry babies! Which I am not exactly sure what that means. We found out over the summer that I was expecting another baby! For us this news was shocking due to the fact we had a miscarriage earlier in the summer. After a few weeks of wrapping our heads around the idea we became excited, however we held off on spreading the news or becoming to excited due to the fact I had miscarried prior. For me I felt different about this pregnancy. I had my last baby at home and always new if I got pregnant again I would have that baby at home, but something was different this time. I was so nervous about having the baby at home. I had an uneasy feeling one that I couldn’t shake. After meeting with my midwife we found out she no longer took insurance so that forced me to make other decisions. After researching all my options, I decided to go with the midwives at a local hospital. I new this hospital was great for high risk pregnancy, but wasn’t so sure how they were for “normal” pregnancy.

Finally I put my nerves and uneasy feelings aside and determined I must be having a boy, that’s why I feel this way! I begin to get excited and start pulling out all that old baby stuff. We started thinking of names me focusing on boy names! At my 18 week ultrasound we decided to tell our other children they were having a baby brother or sister. I was so upset when they couldn’t tell me the sex of the baby. I had worked my way into an earlier appointment so I would find this news out prior to thanksgiving so we could share our wonderful news with family and friends. On wednesday the day before thanksgiving we got the worst news we could ever get. We were told that our ultrasound came back abnormal and my amniotic fluid was low, they feared something was wrong with the babies left kidney. We would be referred to a specialist after thanksgiving. Rather than us get upset, I begin to do research on this information and pray that this was a mistake. We decided to hold off on telling our family and friends until we knew exactly what was going on. We enjoyed our Holiday as much as possible and remained optimistic that the ultrasound was wrong.

The Wednesday after Thanksgiving we met with the specialist and found out the most horrifying news a parent can ever hear. Our baby had a fatal illness, and he would die either prior to birth or immediately after birth. He had multicystic dysplastic kidney’s, and I had zero amniotic fluid. I had never heard of this in my life. I was heart broken. They gave us all our options, and recommended that we induce my labor as soon as possible. I couldn’t breathe. I called some very close friends of mine and shared the news with them. I ask them to pray for a miracle that this diagnosis was wrong or that my baby would be healed. That following week we met with a neonatal specialist and discussed what a baby goes through that has this illness she gave us a life expectancy rate of 0%! There hasn’t been one baby that lives who has this illness. I broke down in tears, how could this be happening to me. I was known for having healthy pregnancy and healthy babies, what did I do different this time, what went wrong? The doctors assured me I didn’t do anything wrong this type of thing just happens they don’t know why. They scheduled us to be induced the following day. I had to have one more ultrasound one more opinion. I was still praying for a miracle. I could feel my baby move! I was 21 weeks. On December 10 we went in for our final ultrasound. The cyst had grown, and they couldn’t find my baby’s bladder nor stomach, the 3rd doctor urged us to deliver the baby again I cried. That night we went in for an induced labor.

On December 11, 2009 at 6:55 am I gave birth to beautiful baby boy! I had no fluid during delivery. My heart felt heavy, my spirit crushed. I cried for my baby. At 9:30 they brought us our baby boy which we named after my husband and I held him in my arms as he slept peacefully with God and the angels above. He had all his features, and to me looked so much like his dad. We could see that he would have looked so much like our youngest daughter. My husband cried as he held his first born biological son in his arms. It was the most humbling, saddest moment in our lives and marriage. Our children arrived at the hospital and all held their baby brother. We talked about how he was in heaven with my granny and how she couldn’t escape babysitting one of her grandchildren. My oldest daughter was excited that he would he get to meet Michael Jackson! It was in that moment I felt peace with my decision. My heart was still heavy, but my spirit was light. We spent 3 wonderful hours with our baby boy, the hardest moment was when the nurse came to get him, and I kissed him one last time goodnight. I knew in that moment I would never hold my baby again, he wouldn’t come home with me, I wouldn’t breast feed him, he wouldn’t keep me up at night, I wouldn’t change his diaper. All these thoughts and emotions.

I decided to go home that night so that I could hold my 4 children tight in my arms. Because I realized in that moment none of them had to come home with me. They are all BLESSINGS. So that night my three babies pilled in the bed with me and my husband and we held them tight. I will never forget my baby boy. The hospital was so great, and made our moment as special as possible. We will have him cremated and we will bring his remains home with his family. We took as many pictures of our baby as we could, because we knew that would be all we had to cherish of him. So today I begin the healing process. I will talk about him because it helps me heal, I will look at his pictures and smile at how beautiful he was at only 520 grams 18 inches long! This was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life, but I know it was the best decision for my family and my baby boy. I thank God for the time I had with him, and I thank God for showing me early on that something wasn’t right and preparing me somewhat. I thank God for giving me peace with my decision, and I am praying to God for understanding and healing.