Help is on the Way

I was at my local grocery store and decided to use the self checkout lane. These lanes are designed to make our life easier and assist with us getting out of the store faster. However, like most things designed to make life easier, they don’t always do that. Sometimes you go through the self checkout and you find yourself thinking, I should’ve just stood in line.

Thats the thing about life there are no real shortcuts.

As I was checking myself out, I probably had way to many grocery for the self checkout, I heard the machine next to me saying “Help is on the way!” “Help is on the way” over and over. The lady using the machine was frantically looking around for said help. The cashier was busy assisting someone at that moment. The machine continue to sing out “help is on the way!” “help is on the way”. The lady tried to hit a few buttons, move her groceries around in the bagging area, but still nothing. She sighed a loud sigh and looked around again. I glanced at her and gave her a gentle smile and she shook her head in frustration, as she said “where is help when you need it. I can’t get this stupid machine to stop talking this is ridiculous.” I smiled a smile of it will be ok  and said “Yes these things can be frustating. I’m surprised at how busy it is today. I’m sure she will be here soon.” She sighed another heavy sigh, poked the machine a few more times, and then finally gathered up all her grocery, “I’m just going to go get in another line, this is ridiculous. I don’t have time to wait around.” And she sped off.

No Sooner than she sped off, help walked up!

The cashier looked around and said where did they go? “she went to another line, I responded” The cashier cleared the machine and moved on to the next person. This moment was so profound to me.

In the alchemist, Paulo Coelho writes about the universe testing everything we have learned right before we are about to reach our destiny. He says things will get really hard and this is usually when most people give up. They give up right before the thing they really wanted is about to come true.

In life things will get hard, the road to success will be a bumpy ride it is only those that continue the road who will reach the success.

The key to staying the course is being patient and having trust that help is on the way.

When we are in the midst of a storm, it’s easy to get agitated, irritated, frustrated. It becomes the norm to complain. in fact, people expect you to complain. They say things like I don’t know how you are dealing with that, that is crazy how do you do it, better you than me, I couldn’t imagine, maybe you should go back to doing what you use to do, that’s why you don’t do things like that and so on and so on. Often times, they will hop on the bandwagon of complaining and even lead the path. (steer clear of these people)

You have to trust that you are on the path that God has laid out for you, you have to listen to your heart and persevere, you have to be patient knowing that good things come to those who wait. You have to trust the universe and believe that the universe wants you to succeed. You have to trust the lessons you are learning and believe there is something to be learned in every situation. You have to trust help is on the way.

“one dies of thirst just as the palm trees appear on the horizon”-the alchemist

Believing these things will allow you to continue to forge on during the moments of difficulty. The lady in line was just a few moments away from being seen. Had she taken just a few more moments to be patient and maybe ask herself what can I learn in this moment as I wait, her journey may have been easier and in the end faster. On my way out of the store she was still standing in line. Although she may accomplish her goal (checking out) it took a lot longer because she wasn’t patient and she didn’t trust help was on the way. There are no shortcuts to life, we will be tested, we will struggle along the way, but if we are following our hearts the journey will be faster than if we derail from the path, try to turn around, or worse stop.

In the famous words of Dory…..

“just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming”

And believe help is on the way!

Hello, Can you hear me?

Funny thing about communication is everyone is talking about it but no-one is really doing it. Want to learn about communication, better ways to communicate, how to communicate with your spouse, how to communicate with your child, how to communicate at work, how to communicate your feelings you can easily walk into any bookstore and find 100’s of books surrounding the topic of communication. Don’t feel like stepping foot in a bookstore enter communication into the magic google bar and be ready to be overwhelmed with 1000’s of results on the topic. To lazy to type then push that magic button and ask siri and she will have tons of wisdom for you. If you rather talk to a real person, ask the person next to you about communication and they will have a wealth of information for you. You get it. Basically, information on communication is everywhere and everyone is talking about it, even me! However, many of these people aren’t doing it. It’s cliche, I know, however it’s time that we start communicating. Not just any kind of communicating but TLC.

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What does the word communication mean? If we look at it’s latin roots, according to dictionary.com communicate comes from the latin word communicatus which means to impart or communicare impart or inform. However, like many things over the years, decades, and centuries the definition changed. Today communicate can be defined; according to merriam-webster.com, to get someone to understand your thoughts and feelings. Hence, this is what communication looks like for many conversation-799448_640Awww, this explains so much. Let’s begin, shall we?

Many people communicate with the intentions to get the other person to understand their thoughts or perhaps to try and sway or change another’s persons thoughts. There are many books that will even proclaim they can teach you how to do just this type of communication. Here is the problem with this type of communication, you aren’t communicating.  Convincing possibly, swaying maybe, judging plausibly, debating probably. The issue with this definition and style of communicating is you aren’t simply informing but you are trying to get the other person to sway or understand your side.

If we stick to the basic definition of communicate, to inform, we can change the entire way we communicate. Inform is to simply give knowledge. What the person does with it, doesn’t really matter to you. Thus the saying agree to disagree. The type of Communicating I want to discuss consist of Talking, Listening, and Connecting. Yep, taken from my beautiful initials TLC. I base the principles  of my therapy and coaching around this form of communication. Today I am going to break it down for you.

Talking – to communicate exchange ideas through speaking (Dictionary.com)

In order to properly communicate you must actually speak to the person. What I can’t send a text? Nope, you  have to open your mouth and allow the beautiful sounds and words come out of your mouth. Let me pause for a second, and discuss this whole idea of communicating via text.texting-1490691_640

There is a time and place for communicating via text. Want to send a quick message, sure you can text that person. Already have a strong foundation of communicating, understanding, and a secure attachment, then sure you can communicate some things via text. The problem with texting as a foundation of communication is; I can’t hear your expressions and I can’t see your face. I can, however, misread and misinterpret your words that I am reading. Think about it, when we read a book, we all read the characters voice in different ways, we interpret certain things differently, we allow our imaginations to run free this is the beauty of reading. So, what makes reading a text any different. If I don’t have a strong foundation and secure attachment to you, then chances are I am going to misinterpret your text every single time. You text K, I read they are mad, they don’t want to talk to me, they are busy, they don’t care, and so on and so on. When in reality, you simply meant OK. Nothing more nothing less. You text, hey, how are you. They read, they really like me, they were thinking about me, this is going to be My future spouse, they are feeling me. When in reality, you simply wanted to say hi. You get the idea. Without the ability to look you in face or hear the expressions in your voice, I don’t really know what you mean. What this type of communication leads to is the new age communication debating. Trying to convince the other person of something, usually what you meant by the text and/or what they read.

Ok, hit play.

When you talk to someone you are telling them all about yourself, you are sharing your views of the world with them, they are learning how your mind works. Talking, when done properly, is a way of sharing your inner thoughts, your soul.

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How do we effectively talk? The idea of talking is to converse without expectations. It’s a moment when you can allow yourself the freedom of expression without judgement. (we will get to that in a moment) I ask each of my couples to spend 15 min each day talking. I usually give the stipulation of not discussing kids, money, or work. Why do I give such a stipulation? Because this type of talking isn’t soul connecting. Many times people will have filler type conversations. You know the kind of conversations you have with someone while waiting in line or with the grocery cashier. You aren’t exactly bearing your soul to these people. Well, some of you may. I call this type of talking filler talk because you are simply filling space and time. You aren’t interested in really talking or listening to the person and you surely aren’t trying to connect with them. When I take out these 3 topics, many couples say, “what the heck will we talk about then Tanyell?” How about yourself, each other, your relationship, your dreams, your sorrows, and the list goes on. What many people fail to realize is that we are forever changing. Yes, you hear all the time. I am who I am, I can’t change them, I haven’t changed, and blah blah blah. If we didn’t evolve and grow, we would die. We would cease to exist as a species. If you haven’t changed since you were 20…. you get the gist. By constantly talking to each other, we are constantly connecting and learning.

Listening- to give attention with the ear. (dictionary.com)

Can you see how texting in the context of TL C communication isn’t effective. If you are communicating via text, you are reading with the eye, not listening with the ear. I won’t pause again to lecture on texting. Listening is an important part of communication, in fact I would say it is probably the most valuable part. When we listen to a person, we are simply hearing the information they are giving. We aren’t waiting to reply, rebuttal, report, refute, review, restate, or any other r word that I can’t think of right now! Wait,  I have another one, respond. (I humor myself) We are simply listening. When we truly listen to a person speaking, we are able to hear their soul. A person who is being listened to doesn’t feel the need to convince the other person to see things their way. They feel heard and when they feel heard they feel secure enough to talk. See what I did there? (insert emoji wink) Missed it? Ok, let me break it down. In order for a person to feel secure enough to talk to you they must feel that you are listening. This is why filler conversations will take place in lines, because honestly,  who feels secure enough to actually talk to the person in line with them. (yes, I put a period. That wasn’t a question. (inert emoji side eye))

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How do you know you are listening? When you are listening to a person, they don’t feel the need to change their communication style to convince.  In order to listen effectively, you have to hear the person without judgement. A lot of times, when we are listening to a person talk, we are judging. Listening for certain words and key words. Listening with an intent to respond. When you are listening in the context of TLC, you are hearing the person. There aren’t any distractions. This means no cellphones, no tv, no video games, no cleaning, no chores, no computer, and definitely no kids. (the ultimate distraction) You are focused whole heartedly on the person speaking. Giving eye contact. Asking non judgmental or accusatory questions. Really hearing the expression in their voice. It isn’t about you. Ok, I am going to attempt to give an example of this, but remember reading vs listening is different. Here it goes!

P, "How was your day?" 

J, Breathes hard, "Long." 

P, "Wow, it sounds like it. Anything happen in particular today?" 

J, "Not really, I had a report due today, and it wasn't quite right. So, I had to reconfigure some things and it just consumed my entire day." 

P, "Awe, Sounds like you spent your entire day redoing work that felt like you already did. That seems like it could be frustrating." 

J, "extremely frustrating!"

P, "I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?" and the band played on

What would usually happen in this conversation is A. P would ask how was your day. J would respond with long. P would get irritated with the short response because they missed the exasperated breath J took and the look of exhaust on their face. or B. P would begin an interrogating round of questions because P has an interior motive of trying to figure out why J didn’t answer their phone or text earlier. See the difference? In order to effectively listen, you have to be selfless. This part of the TLC isn’t about you, it’s about the speaker. You had your chance or your chance to talk  is coming. It’s their chance.  When you remove yourself from listening, you are able to effectively listen to the person talking. And you will be able to officially hear what it is they are trying to inform you about. This leads us to the final and most beautiful part.

Connecting- To join, link, or fasten together. Unite or bind latin- tie (dictionary.com)

Feeling connected to someone is one of the most important human needs. love-806375_640Connection comes in many different forms for humans. There is emotional connection, physical connection, mental connection, spiritual connection, sexual connection. Communication can provide all these types of connections. When you Talk to someone and Listen to someone, it ties you together, it unites you. You feel a connection to them. When a person opens their soul to you, and you receive it, an exchange happens that allows you to connect to the person on a deeper level. Keep in mind this is a double lane road, it isn’t a one way street. This is the difference in a relationship, say with a, therapist. Sometimes a person will begin to feel a connection with their therapist, but that connection can’t be solidified or deepened unless the therapist crosses boundaries and begins to talk to the client. Without both persons being active participants in the T and L, you can’t have the C. How will I know I am connected? Because you will feel it… ok, ok, ok…. I will give detailed answer. You will know you are connected because you will feel secure. You will be ok with a text message that reads K. You will be ok with those short  conversations via text. You won’t feel rejected when your phone call isn’t immediately answered. You won’t get defensive when your talking and they are informing. You will feel secure, safe, satisfied. The feeling of connectedness is individual. We can’t tell a person when she or he feels connected, but we can see it. Actions are different when people feel connected. The entire purpose of communication is to become connected. You communicate to inform to connect. Communicate is equal to connect. Definition numero 2 of connect, according to dictionary.com, is to establish communication between. I want to connect with you, I want to communicate with you. You can’t have connection with communication and you can’t communicate without connecting. They are joined at the hip.

Finishing it up…..

I saw a funny post the other day.

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Whoever wife calls first, pays the bill. 

The thing about this post is the husband who wins, probably, gives TLC to his spouse. They have a secure attachment to one another. More than likely he has already effectively communicated with his wife and she doesn’t feel the urge to call him, text him, dm him, FaceTime him, snapchat him, message him, or whatever else she could possibly do via phone. The wife who calls first, unless of course there is an emergency, more than likely is lacking TLC. So you see, you can’t define connectedness, but you can see it. It shows up in actions. More than likely the moment the rules where stated, the husband with the best communication skills, cheated, and informed his wife about the game! No? Ok, I guess we are the only ones that would cheat…. (insert embarrassed emoji)

This post inspired this blog. I see the couple who lost in my office and I hear the partner exasperation when they say to me, “I called and text him all night and he didn’t answer!! His excuse, he was playing some dumb a@$ game! A game was more important than calling me or answering my calls?!” I hear the defeat/confusion in his voice when he says, “I didn’t know this was going to cause ww1. It was just a game, it wasn’t that serious. They knew I was out, where I was, I don’t understand. I was only gone for a couple of hours.” This is the result of lack of TLC. Rather than  the husbands laugh, high five, and poke fun at the husbands who lost and got a phone call, they should be turning to the husband who  didn’t get a phone call, and asking them about communication.

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Are you a chronic complainer?

stop complaining

What is with people and complaining?  Seriously, what does complaining do for people that they insist on doing it? Does it provide some type of euphoria? Why is it sooo extremely difficult for people to just be happy? No matter what the circumstance is people just never seem to be happy. I was watching The Bible over the weekend, and they came to the scene from the book of Exodus when Moses had assisted in setting his people free from the hands of pharaoh. In the scene, the people were at the red sea and they were all complaining, yelling, and so upset with Moses. They were complaining about the location he had brought them to, complaining about food, complaining about everything. I thought to myself, really people this man (with the help of God) just rescued you from slavery and a life of poverty and torture and yet all you can do is complain. Then it dawned on me this is true for many people. You can give some people the moon with a red bow and they will say, I asked for the sun or why is the bow red. You have those women that complain about their husband, their children, their job. Those men that complain about their wife, their job, their life. I decided to dig a little deeper into understanding complaining, and what I learned is that complaining does in fact provide people with something, it’s called connection! What every human being wants is connection to feel connected to other people. Because complaining is a universal language, what better way to connect to others than through complaining and sharing in unhappiness. I have been to several play groups and the moms will sit together and somehow it turns into a big complaint fest almost to the point of competition on whose complaint is bigger and worse. It amazes me that you if don’t participate in this complaining fest you are isolated, and sometimes even frowned on. Even though connecting to other people is essential for human survival,  and complaining can be a healthy outlet, there is a such thing as too much complaining and becoming a chronic complainer.

“I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet.” Indian Proverb

My question today is, are you a chronic complainer? Well, Tanyell, I don’t think I am. I mean I don’t really complain, I just state the facts. It’s not complaining when you aren’t happy about something. I wouldn’t necessarily say I complain, I just say when I don’t like something.  These statements are fair, valid, and may prove that you are an expressive complainer, however they may also be cover ups for a chronic complainer. So let us explore the chronic complainer.

Symptoms of  a Chronic Complainer consist of but are not limited too:
never satisfied
complain without the hope of connecting or resolution
complain but never listen to others complaints
compare their complaints to others in order to prove theirs is worst
unable to see when others aren’t interested in hearing their complaints
mostly negative
complain to anyone who will listen
always the victim

When a person is around a chronic complainer they leave feeling depressed, drained, sad, annoyed, and feeling like the conversation was pointless and time-consuming. They feel as though the relationship may be one-sided and unsure on what they are getting from the relationship. As a chronic complainer, the person tends to complain to just about anyone about anything.  When the person offers advice or solutions, the chronic complainer typically does not adhere to them. They complain without purpose. In their complaining they are usually the victim and it is everyone else around them that is the problem. A chronic complainer will typically dominate the conversations with others. If you find this to be you or find yourself surrounded by a Chronic complainer, have no fear there is treatment.

Treatment for Chronic Complaining
The next time you find yourself getting ready to launch out some complaints, ask yourself three questions.  Why is this complaint important, who am I complaining to, and what do I hope to accomplish by launching this complaint. By asking yourself these questions, it allows you time to really marinate on if the proposed complaint is in fact a valid and expressive complaint or if you are on your way into chronic complaining mode. I don’t get it Tanyell, this isn’t making sense to me. Ok, let me give you an example. You have a complaint about your friends children never cleaning up after themselves when they come over to play. You’re friend just left and you are getting ready to launch this complaint to your loving husband. The first question you ask yourself, why is this complaint important? (Because you are tired of your friends kids leaving a huge mess for you and your poor child to clean up after they leave, adding one more thing to your already long to do list. You feel as though it is inconsiderate). Ok, that is valid. Next, Who are you launching this complaint to? (My husband). Ok, valid. What are you hoping to accomplish from launching this complaint? (I need validation in knowing that I am not wrong for feeling this way, and I need a way to approach her and address this issue). Valid. This complaint passes and may be launched. The second part to treating chronic complaining is when you approach the person who is receiving the complaint let them know before launching what you need from them. “Honey I need to talk to you about something. I need to make sure I am not crazy in feeling this way, and if I am not crazy some suggestions on the best way to handle it.” By doing this you are allowing the other person a clear understanding of their purpose, therefore, they do not feel drained after the conversation. By taking these very easy steps prior to launching a complaint, you can easily deter yourself from becoming a chronic complainer.

“People who never achieve happiness are the ones who complain whenever they’re awake, and whenever they’re asleep, they are thinking about what to complain about tomorrow.” Adam Zimbler 

Although complaining can provide some relief and it can be healthy, there are times to see the cup half full and not complain. Many times complaining doesn’t serve a purpose at all. Going back to the story of Moses and Exodus, did they really have reason to complain? What was there complaining going to achieve? In reality their complaining was pure proof of ungratefulness and the inability to be satisfied. Complaining  can sometimes say, yea sure I have somethings but these things aren’t good enough. What is for me isn’t good enough for me. When you really look at your life, should you be complaining? This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive to be better or do greater things, it simply means instead of complaining be like Nike and Just do it. There is no need in complaining about the cup being half empty. Complaining isn’t going to fill the cup up. What will fill the cup is direct action from you. Complaining simply slows this action down.  Imagine what would happen if you went one full day without complaining, and instead made improvements or actions toward improving the things you were unhappy about. Imagine the joy you would feel, the relief, the freedom from worry. How much easier would life be if you simply went to the friend and expressed your dislike of her behavior and rather than complaining about it.  Although complaining can be an outlet, it often times leaves us feeling worse, drained, confused, upset, madder, and array of other unwarranted feelings. The bad far outweighs the good when it comes to complaining. Typically people who complain less and see the glass half full are happier, less stressed, and many times successful. Why focus on the negative, if you don’t like something change it and if you can’t change it, there is no sense in complaining about it. The time and energy you spend complaining on things you could be using changing things.

“If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.” Anthony J. D’Angelo 

The next time you find yourself at a complaining party, really take a moment and ask yourself am I getting pleasure out of this, are these people happy, is this how I want to spend my time, what am I getting from this, and what could I be doing right now instead of this? Then focus in on the people at the complaining party and decide if you want to be like any of these people. Do any of these people hold traits, qualities, or even the kind of life you would like to see for yourself? If you find the answer to these questions is no, it may be time to find yourself a new party to attend.

“The person  enjoying life is to busy living life and therefore does not have time to complain about life” Tanyell

Keeping the Spice Alive, Marriage Challenge Week 3!

Trying to maintain a family, yourself, and a marriage can sometimes be overwhelming, and you may find yourself allowing one of these things to be neglected. What I have found, is the thing that typically gets neglected is the marriage. It is so important that we take the time to keep our marriage exciting, youthful, and spicy!

Good Luck this week, and share your experiences!