Regaining Desire

It’s me! I’ve been gone for so long. So many things have transpired in my life I don’t even know where to begin. If I should even try to start at the beginning. If you have been with me on my youtube channel, then you have been along for most of the journey. If not, welcome!

I am currently on a path to self-discovery and renewing my spirit. 2020 left me feeling angry, resentful, guilty, curious, hopeful, worried, anxious, thankful, and everything in between. I had so many emotions that I couldn’t figure out which one was guiding my life. I decided to take charge and regain control over my emotions by starting a journey to self-healing through therapy and other approaches. I am currently still on that journey, and one of the things I have been encouraged to do is start writing again. I wrote a book and self-published it in 2020, a major accomplishment for me. Something I have dreamed of doing, well, not the self-publishing part, but writing a book and having it for the world to purchase, that part. I think that journey, while totally rewarding, derailed me and sucked my desire to write out of me. It’s funny how the one thing we want can also be the one that tanks us.

The truth is I love to write. I love to do anything that is creatively expressive except draw. I cannot draw to save my life. So to bottle something up that I love to do so much has been strange and odd. While part of me felt like it was because I didn’t have time, you know, life. The other part of me didn’t really have a desire. Somewhere along the way, I lost the desire to do something that was a release and brought me joy. I have been so consumed with life that it felt like anything that wasn’t “important” I didn’t have time to do or shouldn’t have time to do. What I know now is that over the last 8 years, I have been in a constant battle with my ego, and in 2020 I didn’t have any more strength to fight, so I surrendered, and my ego has been driving this ship since. Until this past month. This month, I got back in the ring, put on my boxing gloves, and began to fight! Fight for control of my emotions, let go of things I can’t control, fight for peace, and regain desire.

So here I am, writing this first passage in a very long time. I don’t know which direction I want to take this blog or my writing, but what I do know is I will start writing again! That’s all I need to know for now. I hope you join me on the journey, but if not, that’s ok because I will write to myself this time. Maybe this will be an open diary. Who knows.

But here I am, taking the first step to regaining desire!

2 thoughts on “Regaining Desire”

  1. Thanks for writing again. As much as I wanted to follow YouTube, I struggle to watch any videos at all, but I have followed you on Instagram and I love your book. You have been so inspiring to me because you are real and share your experiences and struggles without painting them in an artificial light, or with simple platitudes. So much of your values over the years – from co-sleeping, natural birth, homeschooling, to adopting, have also been mine. When I have struggled in my own life, I have loved that you have been willing to share your willingness to grapple with real life honestly. I am sorry to hear 2020 hurt you so badly. Much love to you.

    1. Thank you! I am looking forward to getting back into this space and sharing here. Thank you for being here. I hope to open up even more and share more of my heart and experiences. Sending love right back to you!

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