So many things has happened this past month, I don’t know where to begin. I had pondered on if I was going to share all the recent ups and downs happening in my life, but then as I sat here meditating I was led to share. My husband and I have always believed that God has a plan, a plan that we may not understand nor agree with, but in the end his plan would manifest a blessing beyond our belief. For that reason we have struggled with the use of birth control. Because so many women pray everyday to get pregnant and are unsuccessful, I felt how selfish is it of me to prevent myself from doing something so many women can’t. Now don’t get me wrong I am not anti birth control. It was birth control that got me through those confusing times in my life when I didn’t know right from wrong. I also understand that people decide to use birth control for many different reasons in their lives, and I am by no means judging them. This is a personal conviction for myself and my husband. We felt that God would not put more on us than we could handle and what’s meant to be will be. I still struggle with these things and God continues to work on me with “completely trusting and letting go” I am better in some areas of my life than others, but I am working on it and praying for constant understanding and peace in those others areas. 😉
Recently my husband and I had a miscarriage, I was by no means trying to have another baby. In all honestly I didn’t want another baby we just recently finalized our adoption along with so many other things going on in our lives a baby was not on the agenda. For me miscarrying was bitter sweet. I am mother of 4 children so I understand what could have been and for that I was sad. For a while I couldn’t understand how after 3 healthy pregnancy I could miscarry. The doctors told me I really shouldn’t have known I was pregnant because it was an early miscarriage. Because I have 3 children, I pretty much no my body and could since something wasn’t right with me, prompting me to take a pregnancy test even though I was spotting very mildly. After being sad for a few days after, I decided God knows best and I let it go. My husband has been sick for the past six weeks and has been battling with a chronic cough. After changing doctors and having a chest x ray and ct scan on his lungs the doctor believes he could have sarcoidosis. I had been so concerned and so stressed out about his health that I was relieved to get some form of an answer even though it’s an uncertain, and I believe incorrect answer. After researching this disease all day, I realized that everything happens for reason. My focus and concern is definitely now on my husbands health. I couldn’t imagine being concerned about his health, my pregnancy, and my babies health all in the same time. That may have been to much for me to bare! I am praying that this diagnosis is weaned out as they perform more test. These past few weeks have been trying, but one thing is for sure, we are convinced on is that we are doing the right thing and that we will not be burden beyond what we can handle. I believe for us these things will strengthen our marriage and deepen our love for one another. When I was weak he was strong, when he is weak I will be strong. Although I don’t think I will see my husband weak. 🙂 One thing is for sure all the things we think that matter in this life really does not. It is your legacy that you leave behind that matters. For us our children mean so much to us. My husband said to me, when I get past all this sickness we will “try” again for that 5th baby. I’m not too sure about that. But for him loosing the baby and him being sick this long has mad him realize how much he values his family and how happy his children really makes him. Sometimes it takes something to make us realize something else. My husband hasn’t said I love you so much in his entire life! My prayer is that we will learn and grow from all this and one day be a blessing to someone else a testimony. I am so grateful for the life that I have, my children that God didn’t have to give to me even if I was younger than most, and my husband that works so hard to provide for his family and yet he never complains, his singing that I miss so much, even if we bicker and fight. What I am learning through all is this is to be thankful despite it all, because the truth is God didn’t have to give it to us, and if he decides he can take it from us.